Control

We all like to have the illusion that we have some control over our lives. Children constantly struggle with their inability to control what is happening around them. Even my little 16-month-old son is learning to want to be in control. I struggle with my need to put constraints on him, to help him to trust me to be in control of the things he is not yet old enough to decide for himself.
All parents can identify with the struggle that we call bedtime. We know that children NEED to go to sleep yet they think we are just spoiling their fun. So they fight us. They roll around in bed, talk to their siblings, or remember something sooo important that it just can't wait until morning. Sometimes they make excuses or try to reason with us. Other times they simply whine. They may cry and call us mean. My 16-month-old has no words to plead with. He simply keeps himself awake. He rubs his eyes and reaches out his arms to me. If I put him in his bed he will stand there and cry. He wants me to hold him, to rescue him from his own sleepiness. So I pick him up and comfort him and try to calm him. I want him to sleep because I know he needs to, because it is best for him. I may feel impatient and tired myself but I do my best to make bedtime pleasant for him.
Tonight it took hours of nursing him and cuddling him, rocking him and soothing him before he finally let himself drift into dreamland. Now he is cuddled up peacefully in bed. Why did he fight it so?
Why do I fight it so when God is parenting me? He certainly knows what is best, but so often I don't want what he has for me. I want to decide, to choose for myself. The illusion of control is comforting, but it is not safe. Why would I rather be angry then rest in His peace? All I gain is hours of wasted time, wanting my own way, feeling I deserve this or that, that I NEED it to be a certain way.
Why not just close my eyes and rest in his arms?
Just this thought helps me to view my own children differently. Bedtime may be frustrating, but I am just like them. I reason and complain. I whine and make excuses, hoping to get my own way. I may even cry. In the end I always end up in my Heavenly Father's arms, as he rocks me to sleep.
"O rest in The Lord, wait patiently for him and he shall give thee thy hearts desires."
Thank you Lord that I am not in control. Give me the patience with my children that you extend to your own. Amen

the last mile is the longest

Now that we have a date set to move to New Jersey, my mind is reeling with things to get done. Yet I wish I was leaving tomorrow. I want to throw everyone in the car and just drive, just get there. I want to be done with waiting. It would be pointless though because I am not waiting to get back to NJ, or waiting to settle into my new home or even waiting to see my extended family whom I miss so much. I want to be driving to Bryan, my husband, the man I married, who I pledged my life to for better or for worse, for all of it, for as long as we both have breath.
"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh."
One person can't be in two places at once unless he is is severed from his other part. With this process death would ensue. For the past 7 months some part of me has been dead. Some part of my heart has been so hard in order to bear the separation. Otherwise it would have been too heavy with the weight of all that missing to carry on.
But now the ice is melting away. My protection is weak and I have to muster up my happy face for today. Why now when it is so close to being over does the heaviness of all those days press like an iron fist around my heart?
Is it the realization of all that water under the bridge; all those moments lived apart, only partly alive?
Could I have lived those months more fully, if I had not hidden my soul like a turtle in its shell? Or would every moment have been sheer frustration, full of loneliness.
Pain is a refining fire that molds our hearts into the image of Christ. Did I, in my desire to protect my heart and to "just get through this," stunt my own growth?
I don't know. I have these last days to get though still. Days of anticipation and worry. What if he doesn't leave early enough, and I arrive there before him and am still stuck, still waiting.
I want to be driving to my husband, nothing else. But there may be more lessons ahead that I wish I did not have to learn.

Around Town Continues Update

I am having some trouble editing the Around Town page on my mom's Ipad. I just added a new post but for some reason it re-posted the entire page again at the bottom. SO, you didn't miss out on 3 prior posts, it is just a glitch and I hope to have it fixed soon. I will try editing it on a PC. Anyway, I hope you will read about my continuing struggle with CLS on the "Around Town Continues" page. I love having problems like this. It feels so good to laugh at myself and I hope you will too! (I don't mean that the way it sounds. I don't mean that you should laugh at yourself. I am sure that you have it all together and that there is nothing funny about you. Other then when you are telling a joke of course. I on the other hand am a terrible joke teller but a hysterical homemaker.)
Before I dig myself another hole, go ahead and click on the "Around Town Continues" page. Enjoy!