Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Morning sickness

Morning sickness seems to distill things for me, daily priorities mostly. There is just so much that I can do before I find myself shivering and gagging. I have to eat every two hours or so, otherwise I will find it almost impossible to eat at all. Leaning over and dealing with laundry goes way to the bottom of my list. Expecting another child however has sent my mind reeling. We currently live in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house that is just under 1000 square feet. We have 4 children already crammed into their little 10 by 11 bedroom. What are we thinking? At first I just comforted myself with the usual maxims, "People all over the world live in huts the size of our kitchen and have larger families then ours...We thought the house would be too small to have baby number 3 and baby number 4 here, and we all live here now. I guess we can fit another baby too...Be content with such things as ye have (Hebrews 13:5 excerpt.)
As much as I believe these things to be true, my spirit has become restless. I want to move on before this next baby is born at the end of the coming summer. I want to be settled in a bigger nest, closer to our families, within walking distance of the Paulins Kil Trail. I can just see the trail stretched out in both directions. It is a long stretch of reclaimed railroad tract. It is mostly level, with steady grade changes, and it meanders along the Paulins Kil, a wide generous creek that makes it's way through northeast NJ to the Delaware River. I could hop on the trail and make my way in either direction to family. I have walked on it countess hours of my life and if I miss anything about NJ it is the quiet hours of reflection on that tract of apparent wilderness that waited just outside my door.
In this regards the Internet can be a very dangerous enemy to the virtue of contentment. I can spend hours browsing the Internet seeing what houses are for sale, where they are, how much they cost, and how you can attempt to fund your hopes. Fuel for my restless mind. Did I find someplace I wanted? Sure. Did I connive a way that we might be able to finagle it? Of course. Is our current home in salable condition? NO. The noose around my neck, the place that ties me here when have I wanted to be gone years ago, our house. Our too small, adorable but unfinished 'bungalow" keeps us from our family, and from being able to move back east. So I found a miraculous place, so cheep something must be terribly wrong with it. It is located right where I want it to be. My restless mind wakes me up. At 3:30 in the morning I lay with my stomach quivering from morning sickness, burping into my pillow, unable to stop my mind from trying to figure it out, trying to make it happen in my imagination so that somehow it will become a reality.
If "godliness with contentment is great gain" should I even want anything else? Should I be thankful for what I have and forget that we will, Lord willing, soon have 5 children sharing one room? I am actually asking. Che sara, sara, right?
Or should I beseech the Lord to answer my prayers? Should I come before Him, and like the persistent widow in the parable, just not leave his door until I get an answer? I tried that before and I got his answer on that account, NO. Does that mean that sort of importunity doesn't work? Should I just "let go and let God?"

You can check out my old blog to see the back story to this one. It is long and very personal and some of you may think, very misled. God was good to give the answers he did. It would have been wrong for our family. Maybe he was preparing me for something else? Maybe for contentment.


  1. Dearest Stasia,
    My heart goes out to you as you struggle with feeling so awful and tight on space, both in your body and in your house. I deeply admire your faithfulness within the circumstances of your life. I think it is so hard to know what to want, and whether to ask God for what we want. May it be unto you according to God's word.

  2. thank you for your thoughtful comments. It is so encouraging to know that my words are meaningful to others. sometimes I wonder if blogging is a good use of time. I have a desire for authentic communication and hope to encourage others by being honest.
    Thanks again!